An update from Ashland, OR...

I've been in CA and am now in OR for our annual family reunion. First part of the trip was spent with my mom's family, and the second half with my dad's at the OR Shakespeare Festival in Ashland. We've been doing this every year since I have been alive - it actually started while my parents were in college. Ashland is the ideal small, artsy town and the festival is unparalleled. My experience of it is a bit different now that I have two small children who need constant supervision, but it is still a wonderful place to spend time.

The day before we left I had an u/s to give us a better sense of the status of this pregnancy. A sac, fetus, and "cardiac activity" was visible. This was reassuring, because the lab managed to lose the results of my second beta so I didn't have those numbers to give me a sense of viability. So I left knowing that, for now, I am pregnant. I told my parents and siblings the news (they were both shocked and excited) but have chosen to keep quiet with everyone else. It's not hard, surprisingly. I suppose this is because I am still not convinced that this pregnancy will continue. I feel very much "present" in the moment, and so projecting 9 months down the road seems silly- like a waste of energy.

As I see it, there are two equally likely possibilities. One, that Jeff and I will be blessed with the amazing gift of a third child. We will experience new challenges and joys. We will know that it was meant to be.

Or, this pregnancy won't continue. And we will know it was not meant to be, for whatever reason- that this strange interlude had a purpose other than to bring a child into our lives (though right now it is hard to imagine what that could be!) And if so, there will be a silver lining if I choose to see it. I will be able to focus on myself in ways that being pregnant and parenting a newborn simply would not allow me to do. I would like to work part-time, to start running, to finish my dissertation this year.

And most importantly, I know that regardless of what happens, I will continue to experience the incredible love in my life that Isabelle, Julien, and Jeff give to me every day. And I will continue to be profoundly grateful for that.

So, in about a week I will go for another u/s, another clue in terms of what the future will hold. Until then, I have decided to live as though I am pregnant- eating well without guilt, sleeping as much as I can, and avoiding all that is forbidden.

It's all I can do. For now.