I believe that all life is energy, pure and simple- energy that is captured in our bodies, and ultimately returns to its source, or is channeled into new manifestations, when this physical life is over. Is there some sort of divine plan that is at play- whether you call it God's will or fate or cosmic order? And if so, how does this intersect with our own attempts to control the creation (as in assisted reproduction) of life? I have to believe that our ability to control this process is, at least to some extent, limited by forces that are perhaps beyond our consciousness or awareness. Is it possible that there are children who Jeff and I are "meant to have", or do we just believe that whatever children we end up with are of course the ones who are meant for us? I mean, on a deep, fundamental level I believe that IF I am meant to be pregnant at this time, if those two or one of those two embryos are meant to become our child(ren), that it will happen. And if not, it will be for a reason, and one day I will look back on this experience, along with the others, and know it was "all for a reason". I know it sounds cliche, and that perhaps there would be people who would suggest that this is an attempt to cope with pain and loss, to find meaning in the most unfair and cruel of experiences. But the thing is, I really do believe that each of my experiences of loss- most significantly the loss of our twins, but also my early miscarriage and ectopic, have been for a reason. That I have grown up in the past two years, that I have evolved, that I have moved closer to a place of appreciating motherhood than I EVER could have had I not faced these challenges. I have no regrets- and have a sense of deep respect for the process of life and spiritual evolution, and see an amazing wisdom. Maybe this is why I feel a sense of trust that is hard to explain or justify that if it is meant to be, it will be, and if it is not, there is a reason. I don't pretend to know what on earth this reason might be, but it is out there. Perhaps I need to do more work on myself before devoting myself to others. Perhaps we are meant to adopt children. Perhaps those two embryos are simply not destined for life as our children. I don't pretend to know... all I can be sure of is the fact that even the most difficult of battles in my life have turned into spiritual blessings, and for that I am grateful.
I have found myself thinking about the pain, anger, and bitterness that most women who experience infertility feel. Of course, it is all justified- how can something that comes so easily to 90% of the population be our lives greatest struggle? But then again, another part of me wonders if we make this pain worse by feeling justified in expecting to have our needs and desires fulfilled when and in the way we expect them to be? No one ever said being a parent was meant to provide self-fulfillment, first and foremost. Being a parent is allowing yourself to be a part of something SO much bigger and broader than your own needs and wants! Perhaps it might be easier to start BEING a parent before even getting pregnant, and realize that you are simply an instrument for a force that has little to do with your own timetables, needs for identity fulfillment, or the image you have had of what your life would or should be like?
Does this sound harsh? I hope not. I just can't help but think we can end up making a difficult situation even worse by bringing to the table expectations that really don't make a whole lot of sense in the first place. We're taught all of our lives that they make sense- that we are ENTITLED to certain experiences and realities, parenthood certainly one of them. But parenthood is not about US, it is about the miraculous creation, nurturing, and development of life. It seems that being able to release some of our expectations of being able to harness, control, and own this process might both make the process less painful and also make us better parents in the long run.
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