A completely unexpected post.

** DISCLAIMER: This post includes info about a surprise BFP and my ambivalent feelings about this turn of events. This may be a maddening post for my fellow bloggers who have experienced loss and IF to read. Please proceed with this in mind.**

I have no idea who out there reads this blog, but I felt compelled to include this warning nonetheless. I need to write, and I know what I have to say may be hurtful to others... so please know that I am aware of this and am sensitive to how my words may be perceived.

I guess I should start by saying I did not get my first post-partum period until the twins' first birthday. To the day, unbelievably! It was a heavy period, as though my body was making up for a year of being period-less. Two weeks later, more bleeding. Nothing heavy. June 6th, one month later- period #2. I was amazed that my body had done anything "regular". Two weeks later, more bleeding (so not too regular!)

Last week we were on vacation in Williamsburg, VA... Jeff, Julien, Isabelle, and me. A busy, hectic, hot, and fun week. During our time away, I had some weird twinges in my boobs. They weren't painful per se, but there were these hard to explain twinges. And I was tired- so tired. And on Thursday am, it occurred to me. Maybe I ought to take a HPT (ha ha) just to see the lack of a second line and confirm that my body was back to its strange ways and schedules.

Two blue lines. Immediately. I had thrown away the package and directions at the store, in hopes of keeping my stepchildren from guessing what was in my RiteAid bag. For a while, I convinced myself that I was supposed to see a "plus sign", not a second line. Ran out and got a digital. "Pregnant". Told my husband, who told me it was impossible. I don't ovulate. I only have one fallopian tube. It took a miracle and all those doctors and drugs and procedures to conceive the twins. I told him I knew... but evidently it was not as impossible as we thought. There was some HCG in my system, at least... and there was only one way for it to get there. We had been having unprotected sex like blissfully ignorant teenagers. But we weren't ignorant. We were all too well-informed about the limits of my fertility. And the old baby dance, sperm-meets-egg, missed period routine is one that doesn't apply to us.

Except that in this weird and unexpected case, it seemed to.

Given my history of miscarriage (though this was likely due to my now-removed septum) and ectopic pregnancy, we have serious reservations about the chances of this pregnancy. As I type, I am awaiting this results of my first beta test, which won't really tell us much... not until we know if the numbers double will we have a sense of whether this craziness could represent a viable pregnancy. Though the numbers COULD help me get a sense of how far along I am... with the weird bleeding I had, I have no idea when my last period was. Was it June 6? June 20?

I have also had some brown discharge over the past day- just a tiny bit when I wipe. I know this could mean absolutely nothing (irritated cervix) or it could mean that whatever is in there is not well. No way to know.

And so, here I am. Never dreamed I would be back in this place of uncertainty again so soon... and so unexpectedly. And I have to be honest... I have mixed feelings. Having three children under the age of two would be a challenge, for certain. Would I be able to mother Isabelle and Julien the way I want to if I was also caring for an infant? Would I be able to withstand another pregnancy? Am I really ready for this? Do I really want this?

And then another part of me longs to experience the joys, the utter rapture, of another child... another infant... another little being to love with every ounce of my own.

I find myself returning to the words I wrote as I awaited my beta for I and J. This is about creation-something far larger than myself, my awareness, my control. I am just a vessel for this amazing process.

If Jeff and I are meant to bring another child into this world, this pregnancy will progress. If not, it will end in a miscarriage or an ectopic. Hopefully not in a later term loss.

So while I am nervous and uncertain and scared... there is a sense of peace behind all that. What is meant to be, will be. And I will be OK, we will be OK. Now we wait to see what this process has in store for us now.