My story, take one

So here we go with my first attempt to re-introduce myself to blogland.

"Hi, my name is Elisabeth and I am infertile. Was infertile? Am probably still infertile?"

If this were an AA meeting, I would need a couple pots of coffee and a few hours to make an introduction that made any kind of sense. Fortunately, in this forum I have all the time in the world, limited only by the needs of my twins, who are currently entertaining each other and most likely causing trouble of some kind.

CHAPTER 1

When I was a teenager, I was a "bunhead". A ballet dancer. Ate, breathed, lived ballet. Unfortunately, I was not blessed with a body made to fit the aesthetic ideals of the art form. Short-waisted and wide-hipped, I had curves that were deemed inappropriate- unlike my classmates, I would never be mistaken for a nine year old girl. Ever determined, I vowed to change the unchangeable. A five year stretch of my life between the ages of 16 and 12 was eclipsed by eating disorders.

People made all kinds of ominous-sounding threats at this time. Only one was memorable: "if you don't gain weight, you might never be able to have children".

I had always wanted children. Always. Needless to say, this threat scared the sh*t out of me. I carried with in me a seed of "truth" - that I had ruined my body's ability to bear the children I so desperately wanted. Strangely, this was coupled with a sense of terror that any sexual encounter would result in an unwanted pregnancy... but there you have it, a perfect depiction of the deep feelings of shame and conflict that accompanied my sexuality for a very long time.

OK, time to feed the monkeys. More soon.